She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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