Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
