I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
