well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
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I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
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Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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