Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
