Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My cat gives me a boner
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
