where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
