she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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