I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!