I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang