The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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