I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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