if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
