I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
