after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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