Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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