i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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