My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
