why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
