I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
