Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think i peed on brittanys purse
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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