I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
