I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
All the doctor said was why
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
