Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
