If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
