Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
