I think I died a long time ago.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
