what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
