Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
