I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
