No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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