You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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