i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
