Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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