I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
