i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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