i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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