I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
