A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
