Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Please, let me fuck your mom
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
