You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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