it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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