i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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