One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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