John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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