I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
