The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
