So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
