two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I pour the whiskey from now on
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
