he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
