It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
