woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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