I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
