Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can you bring me the toilet please
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
