so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He better not be in your backpack
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
