i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
