Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
