she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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