Don't make out with my wife yet
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
